Opinions On This Verse I wrote?

Hey guys I'm not really a rapper, but I wrote this verse because I love rap, and Hopsin just makes me want to rap haha.


[Verse 1]
Marcus here, ready to kick off my rap career/

Relax, smoke a spliff and crack open fucking a beer/

My mission is to resurrect and restore hip hop/

Haters say I’m whack, but I can assure you I’m not/

I ain’t after hoes, bling, swag and fame/

That shit is just so fucking shallow and lame/

Plus I don’t want to be fake like Lil Wayne/

So this is my entry, to the rap game/

I’m only 15 but age is just a number/

I am here to satisfy your old-school hunger/

My rhymes banish you to an e-ternal slumber/

Rap is dying, soulja boy can suck a cock/

This is hip hop and his lyrics are the lock/

Drake ain’t a rapper get back to R&B/

Tryin to rap now you gotta fuck with me/

Last line of the verse is like ABC/






Anyway, what could I improve? I know the rhymes are quite basic, but I'm workin' on it! Constructive critisizm is appreciated!

Possibly not diss the same rappers Hopsin disses?

BeverlyKillz17 wrote:Possibly not diss the same rappers Hopsin disses?

Why not, I don't like them either?

i like it, is this your first verse? cuz if so its good for first verse. otherwise, if u want ur verses to be like jizz in pants good when u show them to ppl or reread them, make words flow more, and use alliteration. like if u used a double word pattern:
chokin' on a dead man's noose,
wonderin' where i'm headed too,
god waitin, is the devil too?
who's the devil, i bet it's you

thats just a quick sample. and it took like fifteen seconds to write lawlz.

It's good for a first verse, Try to keep a good vocab when you rap or be smooth with your words.

Cris J.A.C.K wrote:It's good for a first verse, Try to keep a good vocab when you rap or be smooth with your words.

this. keep it up man!

Thanks for the feedback guys! this is my first verse, so I didn't expect it to be dope but I'm glad you think its good . So I am not very familiar with writing and techniques for achieving good rhyme schemes and flow, so if you wouldn't mind could you just show me quickly like AwesomeMan did?

I do pretty well in english class at school, so I know what alliteration, personification, metaphors and similes are, but it's just making more multisyllabic rhymes and that shit.

Help would be appreciated!